Fifty Reasons Picard Is Better Than Kirk

You often see the other list, the one spreading the patently ridiculous tripe that Kirk is a better captain than Picard. Here are the real facts. Thanks to Amy Vincent for being the co-discoverer of these truths.

1) Picard outwits Q time and again, Kirk saved from Trelane's by Trelane's parents.

2) Picard sends first officer to barren planets while he stays on board with babes.

3) Kirk ex-flame: Dowdy scientist, Picard's ex-flame: Former member of 60's supergoup "The Mamas and the Papas."

4) Picard actually smarter than his first officer.

5) Hair loss=high testosterone. 'Nuff said.

6) Picard would never let chief engineer swell up to planetoid size.

7) Klingons: Drag Kirk to ice prison, allow Picard to choose their leader.

8) Picard necks with chicks in the Jefferies tube.

9) Kirk has wimpy lunch served to him by yeoman, Picard fixes own damn food in the replicator.

10) Kirk never told a member of the bridge crew to "shut up."

11) Picard beat up two Klingons in a Klingon slum.

12) Picard's brother actually played by a different actor than Picard.

13) Kirk grudgingly allows one woman to be hit by truck to correct timeline, Picard sends entire starship crew to flaming deaths.

14) Kirk near 60: thinking of retirement; Picard near 60: still in prime.

15) At academy, Picard noted for marathon skill, Kirk called "stack of books with legs."

16) Kirk bothered by mild astigmatism, Picard kicks ass for forty years with artificial heart.

27) Three words: No beer gut

28) Kirk fights has-been Greek god, Picard worshipped as god.

29) The Picard Maneuver

30) Picard never split into "naughty" and "nice" halves.

31) Kirk: Subjects Spock to court-martial; Picard: Allows Worf to whack a guy with only a reprimand.

32) Kirk: Chews crew members out for engaging in bar braw; Picard: Takes on Naussicans

33) Kirk: Sobs like a baby when son dies; Picard: Laughs like a hyena when stabbed through heart

34) Kirk: Dukes it out with doppelganger; Picard: Doesn't waste time: Shoots doppelganger with phaser

35) Kirk has booze given to him; Picard family makes its own damn wine.

36) Kirk: Spends few minutes aboard Romulan vessel in disguise; Picard: Makes it all the way to Romulus and back.

37) Picard collects archeological relics; Kirk IS archeological relic.

38) Picard manages to have entire conversations with Lursa and Betor without staring at their cleavage.

39) Picard made Spock cry.

40) Picard merged with Sarek.

41) Picard only wears toupees for flashback scenes.

42) Picard would have figured out that "V'ger" thing in about five minutes.

43) Picard never called self "Kirok" and dressed in leftover costumes from "Oklahoma."

44) Kirk didn't have the good sense to turn down the admiralty like Picard did.

45) Let's face may have made a great character moment, but when you get right down to it, Kirk CHEATED on his biggest academy test!

46) Dorky spacesuit count: Kirk 2, Picard 0.

47) Picard secure enough not to keep display of guns on his apartment wall.

48) Picard knows that "horgon" doesn't mean the end of a date.

49) Picard never wore gray pajamas on the bridge.

50) Picard wouldn't have had to be forced to kiss Uhura.